I had a Skype call this week with one of my best friends and the topic of fear came up--She has this amazing ability to ask thought provoking and original questions, it's honestly her super power--. SO shout out to you and thank you for being an inspiration.
We started talking about my first independent vacations that I just booked last week. I'm not traveling too far by any means, just hoping over to San Diego for a few days after attending a conference in Denver for school. I've had the travel bug for the last year, no one I knew was available to go, so it's an itch I'll have to scratch on my own! I was talking about how I'm honestly afraid to travel alone. Even so, I did pick strategically (you know....a place within the US) before I set my sights on traveling abroad on my own someday. Sure, I mean moving to an area for graduate school where I don't know has had me practice doing things on my own like going to get a chai latte, or going to a movie, but an extended trip is something outside my comfort zone.
It's always been incredibly important for me to overcome fear, anytime I feel an ounce of fear I've trained myself to try again, to force myself through it, and come out on the other side having learned something. I have flash backs to my painfully shy self, my earliest memories at family functions (my family is incredibly large, loud, and outgoing) were of me sitting by the chip bowls--which is how I got my first AIM screen name Chipgirl55, an idea inspired by my grandfather--in order to eat and eat my way through family functions without having to say a word. It lived by "Need a moment, eat a Twix," before I had ever seen it on TV.
I spent years at home and school, just not talking. Every year, in every class I had just one friend. Socially, I was incredibly anxious. I feared rejection and once I started talking that I wouldn't find my place. In 5th grade, something changed. I remember making the conscious decision to start talking (to literally everyone...). From that moment on, I vowed that I would never let fear get in the way of my life. The more I've lived by that, the more I've trained myself to not hesitate and run towards my fears--as cheesy as it sounds.
SO, that's how I live my life. If I feel fear, I'm drawn to whatever causes it. I'm action driven and I love it. I love that I've turned something that could have been a weakness and limited me into a strength.
But here, here is the question my friend posed (granted, I don't exactly remember the question but I remember the gist):
How do you now when you've pushed through fear and something you've thought you wanted versus force or change yourself into something your not?
Here's what I said, I honestly wouldn't know until I've pushed through it and can gauge if it resonated with me. I reassured her saying noting that so far I've never had a feeling of regret. I can say there are certain small things that I've realized I just don't like. If that's how I feel afterwards, then sure I'd respect it. Maybe it's the rush of overcoming something, I'm not sure.
I can say that while I do believe we come into the world with innate personality characteristics, and my anxiety and fear is a part of me, even when I push myself, but I also know that who we are is also a conscious choice. The person we are is a choice, whether we want to push our limits, or stay comfortable. That is up to you. For me, my life is more fulfilling when I push the boundaries of my capabilities (those being mental or physical). So, ask yourself what fulfills you? If being comfortable and within your boundaries does that for you. Then follow your truth. Just know that while we are who we are, and a certain extent of that is intrinsic we also make choices every single day that impact the who we are in the world and what role we play.
