Let's talk about love....and breakups

So, this is the second time I've attempted to write this post, that is meant to discuss the recent breakup I went through. I started to review my first draft and it just didn't feel right. The tone of my writing completely misguided and the clear pressure that came across to explain why my break up happened was not my original intent for the post. Why it happened honestly isn't the most important part. Everything I learned after, however, I felt is important to understand and share.

Love IS a choice, of course in addition to being an intense bond between one and another. I learned this from my past relationship. After 3 years, of both of us trying our hardest to define and meet each others needs there came a point where even though we loved each other, my ex decided it was too much. He chose to walk away when I chose to stay. After months of feeling abandoned, upset, and let down I've come to realize that it is absolutely okay that he chose to walk away. When one person in a relationship chooses to let go and walk away there is absolutely nothing you can do to change their mind. In spite of how the situation ended, I'm proud that I continued to choose him, and our relationship above everything else. For the first time in my life, after numerous occasions where I have walked away from friendships and previous relationships I chose to stay. I'm proud of that.

Process, whatever this means to you personally, do it. Especially after a serious relationship ends. For me this meant spending a lot of time thinking, feeling, listening to audio books, music, and learning to be more vulnerable and upfront with my feelings in my day to day life. For you, this may be different. Some people may process by putting themselves out there and dating other people, or filling their schedule with new activities to stay preoccupied. To each there own, don't let anyone pressure you to do anything that you don't feel ready to do and don't let others stop you from moving on faster than the "typical"person.


Don't lose sight of yourself. It doesn't matter to me whether you are causally dating, been in a relationship for 3 years, or have been married for 20, don't forget to set goals that you can and will achieve on your own. While it's amazing to depend on others and have a support system and also see an amazing future with someone (trust me I know exactly what that is like) it is also important to imagine what future you can build for yourself, on your own. My previous relationship was all consuming, so much of my effort went into working on our challenges when the effort I was putting in wasn't reciprocated. I lost sight of what I wanted and everything became about "us". Which in a relationship can be amazing.. but in the future I'd like to be in a relationship where I can look at my life and set goals for myself individual as well as for my partner (hopefully that's possible and not too difficult to manage :P).


Vulnerability is brave. To be able to represent yourself authentically, moment by moment, no matter what your circumstances are can be extremely challenging. One of my biggest concerns after my breakup was how to pretend that I was "okay". I have a fast paced life. When things go wrong, there is no gap of time for me to take a day off to process. Right in the middle of my break up, I had to work both of my jobs, continue going to school, and continue studying for exams. The only way I imagined I'd get through is by pretending to be okay... which was also something I felt completely uncomfortable doing. So, I had to find a way to exist. Be authentic, and be real. If someone asked me how I was doing I stopped responding with the socially acceptable answer "I'm good" and instead offered a more accurate description of how I was doing. At work I wasn't my normal chatty self, I was quiet, soft spoken because I was dealing with everything internally. I learned to be okay with that. In fact, after a few weeks of practicing it, I found it quite easy to do. The more people who knew what was really going on inside of me, the closer I felt to each environment I was in everyday (my coworkers, classmates, and professors). The closeness I felt, helped me piece my spirit back together and move forward.

Over the past two and a half months music has helped me reflect more than I could have ever imagined. A true musician at heart, I've always relied on music to help clarify and express my emotions. A song by Birdy + Rhodes-- two amazing singer songwriters--called "Let It All Go" resonated with me since I happened upon it about a month and a half ago. It discusses the hardships that surround losing love. A line from the song "If we are strong enough to let it in, we are strong enough to let it go," is something that I had to repeat to myself almost everyday for a month straight to even begin or fathom moving on from my relationship. So,  I will leave you with this, it is truly amazing, beautiful, and brave to love another person so fiercely and it's important to acknowledge and remember that rooted in your ability to love (anyone or anything) is a strength so powerful that you can get through almost anything that comes your way. This idea, my new understanding of the presence of strength within love empowers me, inspires me, and guides me every day.